From Chapter 11
I have found that even in my most treasured friendships vulnerability has taken years to settle in. While I do not think we need to show 100 percent of ourselves to everyone, the idea of compartmentalizing after decades of doing just that has left me craving to be nothing but transparent. I said it left me craving wanting to be, it doesn't always happen. In a circle of friends, there may be two I know I can lay my head on their shoulder and just be. I may be able to do it with the entire circle, but I am slower to trust than I used to be and I like to be known on my terms. I am really slow to trust these days.
When a friend does know me well and I am surprised by a recent observation, I feel a few things, loved, seen and also terrified if just for a moment. At times I still want to jump in a bunker after admitting an emotion or a past mistake, perhaps admitting I do not know or that I may feel paralyzed in a moment over a decision. Yet, those who have walked with me and stayed by me I am forever grateful.
After years of undoing my need to compartmentalize and to blend together has left fall out. There have been some very painful endings to friendships as a result of me not willing to compartmentalize. There have been some fading away of friendships when I have not nurtured them as I would have liked to in hindsight. I also know with my Dad and Carol's passing, my bandwidth shortened. Admittedly less graceful than I would have liked at first, I have matured over the years of exiting with love. Well, at least self love.
Years ago I had a teacher at a small grammar school. She was a former nun and tough as nails. Fed up with the adolescent squabbling a small school will bring with preteen hormones, she lectures the 7th grade girls on friendship. For the most part, telling us to get over ourselves but also stating that we would be lucky to have one true friend in this world. At the time I didn’t believe her. Now, with the friendships I have, I feel overpaid.
When my stepmom passed away the summer before my father, friends drove up the state to get to me. They flew in, brought food, and took care of my Dad. I thought I held it together pretty well and yet it is all a blur. Jennie was there with a life long friend and Shari, who the maid of honor at my wedding had toasted to only children who make sibling tight light relationships. Their parents were there and many others.
I remember feeling really special when I have had close friends, but since childhood I didn't really know how to hold them or what to do when things shifted, friends groups changed, a childhood friend moved away, I think I just went numb and did not find closure or acceptance. This may explain why I have handled my adult friendships as I have. For a time, I had a lot more friends than I realized, I loved it and it was a lot for me. When trauma surfaced or hard things came up I wasn’t able to manage it. I didn't know I didn't have to manage it. But it is what I did. Managed my parents divorce, managed the relationship with my mother, managed what others thought of me, managed how lonely I felt in a room full of people.
After my divorce, I remember thinking many had left my side. This is not the truth. I left many. I just did. I couldn’t take care of my boys, a new love and manage it all. There is a deep need to reconcile, to come to terms and I am slowly.
